Then and now...

This entry will be boring, confusing and depressing. If you are under the age of 18 and one of my family members please don't read it.

I have after much self reflection, which since I was not really raised in the traditional sense, is the only way I learn anything, realized that I need to make a serious life decision. Last year I candy or really party coated my time here in order to justify my decision to leave everything and everyone behind. Just really to prove that it was better and I did it for the right reasons. I'm glad that I did leave. There are aspects I wish I had handled better but in the long run it was the right decision and I am a better person now than I was before. But... it wasn't that great. I can tell you now because I am not trying to convince myself or anyone else that it was the right thing to do. I can confirm it was. Leaving Winnipeg was the best thing that I did. You know the saying the grass is always greener? Well I have tried both sides and they are nice for different reasons. I know this... I will never again torment myself wondering or regretting.

To be clear at no point was I ever depressed or upset I don't think I ever even cried except when Tyson and I broke up. I don't deal with things like that. If something is really upsetting me... I don't talk about it ever. I just pretend it's not happening. I usually tell myself it really doesn't matter because in the grand scheme of this it really doesn't. Korea for me is a vacation in a way. There is no one here really truely to judge me or slam on the brakes of friendship and say hey... this isn't really you, you are getting so fucked up. I won't because the behaviour is gratifying even briefly though unsatisfying. When I first landed I was flooded by the strange insecurity that I had last year. In seconds it all flooded back enough so for me to have to stop and recognize it enough to destroy it with logic. "I'm not that girl either anymore. Going home changed me too."

That's where I stand now. There is no one to judge me here but myself, and I am finally at a point where though I have no issue from a moral stand point, but I know that I am not this girl. I wouldn't be like this in Winnipeg so why am I like this here. More importantly why the fuck am I back, when before I left I knew the one reason I was coming was already a mess. I guess I felt like I owed it to him to see if things would be different if we were in the same place... but I am such a coward when it comes to break ups. I always just get mean and wait for them to pull the plug. Who am I to say you aren't good enough for me? I'll make it seem like you are too good for me so no one gets hurt.

I'm going to chalk this up to a relapse. It's happened with worse things. Luckily this is my rock bottom and it's not that deep. I also really want to point out that I have no issues with the behaviour in question and maybe this is why I have had so much trouble saying it needs to stop. I wouldn't judge anyone who was doing the same thing male or female. It just isn't me. This is uncomfortably honest for me but I think I need to admit it so I can move on.

I always get really excited for this part. The part where I get my shit together...