Upwards and Onwards

When I first arrived I was left at a love hotel. Ahhhh Korea. My memory had been inexplicably kind to you and in a moment it all flooded back. I had been up for about 25 hours and I needed a shower but just as I disrobed I recieved a call from my new co-workers to go for food! I asked for some time and they obliged. We went for seumgapsal and Kirill pretended to have a fake Russian accent which he gave up a little time after I said "I know I feel insane right now but it sounds like you are just faking that accent... you how some people do that because they think it's funny... but it isn't" Then I felt terrible but relieved that my new hagwon did not hire someone just as a favor considering their first language was Russian. We ate this meal at that time.

I lived in said love hotel for the first week or so... yeah. It was pretty basic though. No mirrors on the ceiling or anything. Here's how I looked. 

I was spending money very carelessly... on things like this. Pork spine soup. 

Well are you? 

My first weekend here I had the lovely Sadie to help me out and keep me company. We work together at langcon and she has been more than a lifesaver at times. For example when my previous apartment owner forgot to leave me the door code and the doorman just laughed and said I don't know when, through broken Korean and charades, I conveyed my issue. PS I was unshowered, hung over, and had three suitcases. Here she is when we had my fav meal, mung pancakes and makoli.

 Also I got to hang with Martyn and already had to sleep on his couch. He made me dinner eventhough I was over an hour late with no phone, wifi, and no money for a cab when I missed the subway. He is the best and nicest. At some other point I took a walk and this was the view. 

Sadie was entertaining Sue and Jake as they were visiting from America. They were fun and nice. We saw this together. Also Sue is Korean American so it is nice to ask her questions about the culture because she unique perspective on the whole thing. Plus her first language is English.

We started the day with a meal of noodles. That's ice. I like it cause it is also spicy. 

Here they are at Gwangjang again. 

Then we walked to Dongdaemun, and happened upon this. 

And then this...?

We did a lot of farewell stuff for Kirill. Like dinner and karaoke with all of the co-workers then clubbing the next night. We missed the free cover deadline by minutes but Robert paid for me. Robert is my new co-worker we like many of the same things and share a lot of the same humour. He also always wants to lend me money. He is British. From Sheffield. It was fun but I had no phone so when I lost everyone I just got in a cab and went home.

The next weekend I went out to the lake with Martyn and some new friends like Maryann, Patrick, Bryan, Migs, Gracie etc... So fun and great. Maryann and I hit it off right away and by the end of the day were pretty WTF as if we meet now. SO many jokes... hard sax, No. I have had cookies, I know what they are like and I'm not hungry, puzzle crew... Then we just all went back to Migs and Maryanns and talked. It was nice cause we were all within the same age range and Canadian. Bro'ing down was so serious. I miss this already so much. Here's a view.

Then it was Migs and Maryann's go away in Hongdae Park. Maryann and I went for a stroll and she got pushed from behind by some foreign (when I say foreign I mean NOT korean) scum.  All I know is I looked down and she was on the ground. Luckily we met L.A. who for some reason had an Angry Birds bandaid in his backpack. I met this guy Quentin and his lady lady Marie. They are French which I like cause I should practice.

Cam was there. This is probably the only time I will see him this year. Oh everyone kept telling me I lost weight. Which I don't think I did...actually I know cause I weight myself daily. I have at most lost 4 pounds since I left the first time. Really it's just makeup, heels and blond hair, things I can fuck with now that I live IN THE CITY. Tricked y'all.

We ended up at Venue and dancing happened until it was just myself and Jason. We were invited to be in a video shoot and then I woke up at the end of the line with a potted plant beside me and dirt everywhere while an Ajumma tried to take it away and clean up after me. I said "no, I like it" and got off the train like nothing was out of the ordinary. It's doing so great. I am good at caring for things! 

Monday we all went out for all you can eat meat to say bye bye to Migs. Also I ran into 아기 he was just walking by.

Maryann and I spent all of the next weekend together. We maybe went to a little too hard on Saturday but whatever... details, details. We drank a lot of beer. Then somehow soju got added in and the rest is a blur. Danced up on a soon to be dad, casually puked while mid-conversation... god only knows what else. I spent all of Sunday on the couch dying... tried to drink pepto - puked that up? Then we tried to order McDonalds, which yes... you CAN do that here, just to have them say no English call back... but they never did. So we had to take the 10 minute walk there. Finally by about 10pm I was able to drink a final beer with Maryann. I left in the morning...if I think about it too long I get really sad. I am glad we got to spent time together no matter how short, I know I am lucky even though right now it feels like shit. A lot of times people come here and do not meet anyone that they really bond with and I have made several life pals, Maryann obviously being one of them.

Then weekend after that I decided that I needed to make an effort to meet new people. Sometimes I do this... the results are always varied. Mostly I just hung out with Soojin and Rob. We hit up cool spots in Cheonho? I met a man who may or man not be in the mafia, has a child and is about 6'7".  No thank you.

Last weekend I decided to try to take it easy. I scheduled myself for language exchange hang outs. This are typically studious events. No such luck. My Saturday partner wanted to meet up for a foreigner friendly party. Rob got ditched so he also attended. Said party included a man with devil sticks with his dog, several hoolahoops and one of those girls with the fire chain things dressed up like a gothic slutty jester. Rob and I spent a lot of time just asking ourselves what happened to our lives. These people are why I hate shit like folk fest... sorry. I'm sure the talent is great... I just can't deal with all the whatever they are and fairweather hippies.

We headed to venue. Nice records, terrible dj'ing so we went to BK had a meal and then headed to hongdae... Oh I stole Floriane. She is this super adorable French girl from Normandy that was in the language exchange crew which was otherwise really not fun and weird. She is 20 and here for 2 months for an internship. I ran into lots of people and said hi. We ended up at 500 and the music was shit again so Rob and I danced as silly as possible. Like "ok for the next 5 minutes you can only dance with your hips" or  just doing exercise moves...etc. until Rob hurt his thumb by swinging his arm so hard in a windmill fashion that he miscalculated it's trajectory and swung it right into his leg. He thinks he dislocated it. Later when we got into a cab I jumped into it and fully face planted into the seat. For how silly this got... I remember EVERYTHING. for once.

In other news I skyped and I liked it. Please make dates with me. Preferably if you are wearing stripes, have a dog or are using the bathroom or any combination of the three. Or none of them.

Also two nights ago I left my door open to stimulate air flow through my apartment and looked down and a dog in my house! hahah it scared me so I gasped and it ran away. It lives somewhere on this floor with it's mom and a sibling. They are really funny. They will follow me then run away then come a little closer and run away over and over.

I saw a dead mouse on my way to work. There was also a feather next to him. Mystery to solve! I showed a picture to my Korean best friend at work and she was concerned and scared. I think he looked so peaceful... I can see also how when I was young I took one of these into my bed and thought I could revive it. Which happened. I also thought I could move things with my mind. Don't have only children... we get so weird.

Then and now...

This entry will be boring, confusing and depressing. If you are under the age of 18 and one of my family members please don't read it.

I have after much self reflection, which since I was not really raised in the traditional sense, is the only way I learn anything, realized that I need to make a serious life decision. Last year I candy or really party coated my time here in order to justify my decision to leave everything and everyone behind. Just really to prove that it was better and I did it for the right reasons. I'm glad that I did leave. There are aspects I wish I had handled better but in the long run it was the right decision and I am a better person now than I was before. But... it wasn't that great. I can tell you now because I am not trying to convince myself or anyone else that it was the right thing to do. I can confirm it was. Leaving Winnipeg was the best thing that I did. You know the saying the grass is always greener? Well I have tried both sides and they are nice for different reasons. I know this... I will never again torment myself wondering or regretting.

To be clear at no point was I ever depressed or upset I don't think I ever even cried except when Tyson and I broke up. I don't deal with things like that. If something is really upsetting me... I don't talk about it ever. I just pretend it's not happening. I usually tell myself it really doesn't matter because in the grand scheme of this it really doesn't. Korea for me is a vacation in a way. There is no one here really truely to judge me or slam on the brakes of friendship and say hey... this isn't really you, you are getting so fucked up. I won't because the behaviour is gratifying even briefly though unsatisfying. When I first landed I was flooded by the strange insecurity that I had last year. In seconds it all flooded back enough so for me to have to stop and recognize it enough to destroy it with logic. "I'm not that girl either anymore. Going home changed me too."

That's where I stand now. There is no one to judge me here but myself, and I am finally at a point where though I have no issue from a moral stand point, but I know that I am not this girl. I wouldn't be like this in Winnipeg so why am I like this here. More importantly why the fuck am I back, when before I left I knew the one reason I was coming was already a mess. I guess I felt like I owed it to him to see if things would be different if we were in the same place... but I am such a coward when it comes to break ups. I always just get mean and wait for them to pull the plug. Who am I to say you aren't good enough for me? I'll make it seem like you are too good for me so no one gets hurt.

I'm going to chalk this up to a relapse. It's happened with worse things. Luckily this is my rock bottom and it's not that deep. I also really want to point out that I have no issues with the behaviour in question and maybe this is why I have had so much trouble saying it needs to stop. I wouldn't judge anyone who was doing the same thing male or female. It just isn't me. This is uncomfortably honest for me but I think I need to admit it so I can move on.

I always get really excited for this part. The part where I get my shit together...

Winnipeg

I'm still pretty hype on my home town. If you know anything about Winnipeg you probably know that other than Regina is it the worst place to live in Canada. Climate's shit, transportation is bad and there is that prevalent social issue that litters the downtown core. Mind you it is getting better... but I am hype on Winnipeg for the people!

First and for most my Dad. haha always and forever.

So stoked

Then my family!

Nana and Grandpa!

+Aunts and Uncle

The cousins. FYI I love them all but Sarah is legit the closest thing I have to a sister. I imagine in some ways maybe better than, we don't have to be this close but we choose to be. Which says a lot because I haven't always been this stable.

I carry these old pictures around and cry every time I look at them.

Andi and this guy weren't born yet.

I'm glad he was though he taught me about Deadpool and we watched some superhero shows, decorated a cyber property and chat online on the regular. He had three birthday parties and I went to all of them.  

Then all my ladies. You are the best and I love you. I can't wait to see you again.


Cindy! I can type all the really emotional and detailed reasons why we are friends and why she is so great but it would take too long. I love her. No one compares.

JULI! We have matching everything!!!!! but are still so different in our own way and definitely act more like sisters than anything else. We laugh really hard, cry, dance, act silly, give each other shit, I tease her, and hold hands. It's the nicest and honestly if she was staying in Winnipeg I would have thought twice about leaving. 

Hi!!!! we're 16! just kidding! 

Sara and I were united after over 10 years of pretending to not knowing each other because at some point one of us stop saying hi and it just snowballed from there. But fate brought us back to each other, egos be damned. Seriously 2001 at the latest. 

We like denim! This was actually not the first time but this time someone took a picture. We also have matching friendship bracelets and navajo print fanny packs. Sara is yet to contribute the 3rd item.

We did everything together! Juli is taking some time to smell the dicks while Sara and I try to decide.

Tooooooo many!

I wanted to hang out with Sarah P every minute of every day! but I couldn't. When I could it was fun and nice.

 There were lots of other friends too but no pictures. Sorry!! I love you too! If I made the effort to see you in the short amount of time I had in Winnipeg it's because I love you very much.

These two cats! Leaving them is never easy but come on. "I would have taken my dream job and gotten paid double what I am now but I mean I have cats." Get a grip, you would have done the same and I would have understood. It sucks but this is real life and sometimes it gets messy. I will fully admit that 7 years ago I should have had the foresight to know that I was a fucking mess and never should have taken on the responsibility in the first place. What's done is done and I tried to give them the best life that I could for as long as I could.

Here are some other Winnipeg animals that I like. 

Jackson! so regal!

Obv I was eating a sausage. 

This is my nephew Bowser! He's racist!

This is my step sister Ginger. She did not get any French toast that day.  

And finally this is a special boy named Lester! He loves his stool! I love him and he didn't forget it!

I will be home for Spring next year! See you soon and miss you all already! Please skype! I am available from 5-9pm Sun-Thurs. Soon probably more because I will get WIFI sooon! Also if you don't already get Kakao! it's fun and I should be back online by July 4th at the latest. KISSES!

February 7 - May 23

I went home. I wasn't stoked about it. My memory was not kind when I thought of Winnipeg but maybe it was because my only source of stress resided there.

It was cold, I had no job and no plan.

Things progressively got better.

For the first month I had resolved to go back to Korea so all I did was study and get my documents ready. I lived with Julianne and I applied for several jobs a day. I rarely left the house.

Then I found a job working for the province. Once I did I started considering staying in Winnipeg, I then became incredibly depressed and started applying for any teaching job in Korea I could find. Once shit started rolling I felt better. While I am reading this I realize how important a good job is. Winnipeg is lacking them at present. Also since I had a job I started having a little fun. I saw all of my friends at least once save for Darren but I tried. Then I started to love Winnipeg again. I feel like I can't win. When I am here I want to be there and vice versa. I'll be home for the summer and I can't wait. Plus since I know I am coming back and when I will hopefully set myself up quite a bit better. Hey Winnipeg can you all just move here? That would be ideal.

Anyway I feel really great that I got to see everyone and that in the short time I was there that I forged some new permanent best pals and reconnected with the old. I miss you all but we have kakao and skype so we will be alright.

Initially I decided to come back for a dude. Which is so dumb and I am aware especially since within the last 2 months I have had to admit to myself that the relationship was not ideal. I knew, but I still came here regardless because realistically the job is fun and the money is easy... I came last time to travel this time I am here to make bank. It's hard to get ahead back home but here I don't even have to try. I don't really feel like I am sacrificing since I am just as close with my friends as ever.

Mentally I am in a much better place... I will admit that I was a little bonkers last year and that being single and not having anyone constantly judging me was more than freeing and I definitely went a little too far.

Mountain View AKA Nerd HQ

I spent the next 2 months on my Auntie's couch in California. I didn't feel too comfortable spending any money because I didn't have any coming in. I thought about getting a job under the table but it seemed hard and sketchy. Plus mhen. I went on a lot of walks, shopped, worked out, ate in and out, ihop, went to San Fran and watched TV. Under normal circumstances I would deem this to be a total waste of time and as a result bummer. HOWEVER. I had just spent the last 2 months and a week running around the most interesting/historic metropolis' in the world with only a couple of days to explore them. I was exhausted and we are not even taking into account the culture shock. Though Europe kinda took the brunt of that.

So some background on Mountain View. It is midway between San Francisco and San Jose. It is home to google, Microsoft, Oracle, Facebook, Yahoo, (yeah they are still around?), and pretty much any major technology firm in the world. As a result the male to female ratio is 2:1, the rent is crazy expensive, there are many Asian and east Indian eateries.

I did a lot of stuff and saw a lot of things. More importantly I got to spent an inordinate amount of time with my Auntie who has lived far away from us for a very long time. I love her so that is nice.

I am lazy here are some pictures with little to no explanation.

OH also I finally saw Cold Cave, it was strange and I like that.